Tia

guys ! you can delete this journal, im going back to bizarreeeeeeeeee kid.
i just love it too much. mwahaha.

HALOOO E FRENS.

whats going on with me.. lets see. rongles was right. i have pcos
lol.
that fucking jew and his jew predictions. i miss him.

whats new.. im making pretty good money at outback steakhouse, i dont enjoy smelling like steak though.

shane and i got into a big arguement because i let him take the car to drop one of my new co workers off and i had to wait 45 minutes and i freaked the fuck out.
and he just acted "over it" and everything was everyone elses fault, when i just wanted him to take responsibility. he sucks at reading me or getting me. hes so fucking cocky it makes me upset.

he needs me more than he knows.

anyways.

so i have a crush.. yes.. skyler who? yeah i like this kid named zach. zach wolfe. he looks like a hybrid of skyler and elijah wood. he never talks though, i dont understand, he talks to everyone else a lot, but not me. but we still hang out. 3 days in a row even.
i think i may just like him in his server outfit though, because otherwise the guy cannot DRESS AT ALL.
he wears whacky colored shirts . kinda hipsterish but he mixes it with skater and it just doesnt work.
he has a good taste in music though.

i talked to steph, my ex ex ex best friend, and we were talking about all kinds of stuff, and i never felt so nostalgic, and it made mer ealize how honestly happy i was with my e-friends. and just doing stupid shit all day. but i dont wanna go back to that, im just glad it happened.

when i signed up to do paris bff i am glad i never made a video or made it on to the show, i watched the show and i think i would constantly want to punch onch in the face.

i think im going to go to borders and purchase a book.

i have miley cyrus - 7 things stuck in my head.

lataz

I GOT A JOB.





wtf.

I always wondered how it would be without you.
Now I know.

I hate to admit it, but I really miss skyler.

but if you miss someone and you cant really do anything about it all there really is left to do is keep busy and eventually i know ill forget because i forget everything


got a neck tat
it hurt, everyone keeps telling me how much ill regret it but whatever, i like how it looks and i where it is so I don't really care

i want to work at a movie theater.

me and shane are moving in together
that should be interesting.

so, skyler is coming in one week. ONE WEEK.
im excited.
its been one week since you looked at me... ok i wont start singing.
um i did the reading,science,social studies part of my ged.. i dont know when i get my results but math and english (dundundun) are coming up
and  i have to write a fucking essay and as you can see from my livejournal i am terrible at essays.

i think about my hair way too much, i dyed my hair dirty blond and it looks ok but im never ok about my hair being "ok"
i want to be excited about it, im thinking of going dark again, i look good dark, but everyones like nooo i like you blond. bleh
BLEH. blond is too much upkeep. with roots and such. maybe ill stay dark for two months and then go blond for my birthday? yeah
seems like a good idea anyways.

i decided that i dont like sex, but i do like skyler and skyler likes sex so i might have sex with him to keep him happy.
i realized that once i do get in serious relationships i have to do this to keep them happy, i dont know why i dont like it.
its just lame. and i get bored. i dont know, im really hard to turn on.

I really like him though, its a shame we wont work out because hes so far away
plus he has a girlfriend who is prettier than me, nicer than me, taller than me, ect
but she seems like an idiot and adrian said she looked like a caifornian raisen so when im in doubt
i think of that.

i have a new kitten, his name is mick jagger.
hes hyper like mick jagger.
\hes such a doll though, i watch tv with him a lot, and he follows me wherever i go
even into the bathroom. he meows and meows until i get out.

i realize the older and older i get the less naive i am. i dont believe anything anyone says anymore.

hah

so, everyone pretty much knows about my brain tumor situation.
its not growing and being controlled with medicine, which is amazing and I am lucky.

but since we found out I had tumors and terrible heaaches.
they put me on vicodin.. about 8 pills. 5/500mg a day
for about a year.
now they pretty much cut me off
and my body is starting to feel the withdrawls.
it is physically tortorus.. it hurts so much and i feel so insecure and crazy
and im shakey like a crazy person and im pretty much avoiding my friends who aren't named shane.
skyler is coming back on june 1st which is crazy. im kind of nervous but really excited, hes one of the most
supportive people for me and i dont give a fuck about all the bad stuff hes done in the past.
hes there for me and a positive re-inforcement and thats all that matters.
my REAL ged test is on the 22nd.. MAD NERVOUS YO. i hope i ace it.
i want my body to adjust to reality, it sucks that i have to take opiates to feel normal.
i hate this.. you do not know how badly i stress. i HATE it.
i just want it to be over.
this addiction isnt even my fault.. the doctor kept telling me i needed brain surgery and i might die before i go to mayo
and dosed me up.. now im left here with nothing but the consquences of what they perscribed and wanted me to do.

:(

5 bad boys with the power to rock you
blowing your mind so you gotta get into
5

WHAT YOU WAITIN 4

IF YOU WANT IT 3

2

1

LETS DO IT

slam dunk da funk, put it up.

if you got that feelin'

I thought this break would bring us somewhat closer and help us re-connect.
But, still I feel as if all you do is use me and disrespect me and dismiss what I have to say.
If I have to put up with more of this, I'm going to have to break it off, and during the break I realized I can and will live without you.

I know life was meant to be compicated and such but thats what livejournal is for right?
to be all.. rant-y.

I'm tired.
No, literally I am tired.

I am on so much drugs, did you know I take literally 11 pills a day?
It is turning me into the most unmotivated, dead, moody, personality-less person in the entire world.

I am so drugged up from being on pain medication, I have no personality or motivation because I'm on tranquilizers for my chronic anxiety disorder, I have no enthusiasm to do anything because of a high dosage of mood stabilizer I'm on.

and it seems as if I'm getting all of the symptomes from my medications.

I'm sleepy, I'm tired, I'm drowsy, I'm moody, I'm nauseated, I have headaches its just..

God.. I just wish my health was better, I want to be healthy, I was in better shape before, I don't know why exactly
my headaches are coming back into full swing but it isn't fun and I'm very confused alot and disoriented and
I had 2 appointments today that I forgot about because I was sleeping because I took my migrane medication and they were important appointments for job opportunities and I keep blaming myself and kicking myself and I feel completely held back because of all of my health problems.

How am I supposed to kick start my life if theres always going to be something in the way? I feel trapped. I hate this.

 im so fucked up in the head and all this fucked up stuff keeps happening to me and i am barely dealing with it and if I get a little moody PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME. I hate everything.

and its like.. no one even understands. they expect so much from me.

I'm so miserable all the time.. life is so brutal and .. whats the point of going on if drama, chaos and suffering is all out there is to offer?

i hate how i am so groggy from getting shot in the butt two days in a row with morphine.

I can't believe I wasted 110 dollars on a bus ticket I'll never use.
psh. whatever.

but next month I'll have cash to spend.

I think I am going to purchase another ipod (that or get a nintendo ds, I'm pretty torn)
dye my hair a trashy bleach blond again.

and clothes clothes clothes.

ahhhh

I'm kind of glad I didn't go to Iowa because my headaches are coming back in full swing
and I'd be pretty helpless over there.

Skyler and I are on speaking terms again and things seem fairly normal..

and I think I'm over him. :D

So I met this kid named Skyler.
I thought he was fiooneee and I was like yo dat azz gotta be mine.

But the more I talked to him the more I found out how funny, charming, sweet he was.
very protective. I was falling and falling and falling even more for him.

He opened up to me, I was probably the first person he has ever done this to. He said he never opened up to anyone or felt so strongly about anyone before me. Things were great, but of course things are never as great as they seem in my head.
he started making me feel like I wasn't even special, he wouldn't even let me get a word in conversation sometimes.
And when i complimented him he got this huge ego and it was fucking annoying.


Anyways so he moved to Iowa, really devastating but we both liked each other so much that we tried to hold on.
So I made plans to go see him and I got a bus ticket and uh.. a few days before I left.
I cheated on him, which is weird cus' I didn't know we were officially together.

I remember how he feels though.. I went through with it when he fucked Megan.

He doesn't trust me, he thinks I'm trouble and that I'm nooooooooooooo good. (no good)
which is understandable.

also.. Talked to him today and hes pretty much over me.
But I have been beating myself up so bad.  I didn't think there was something inside of me that could feel this bad.
You don't understand, I just wanted to see him one more time.
I fuck up everything.
ughh.. Now, some momentos are harder than others but I don't know if I  can ever go 3 hours without bawling my eyes out.

I'm holding on by a thread. I need to change and I don't know how.
I'm so borderline, ahh!

I just want things to go back to normal and I want him back in my life but a part of me says its time to let go, he moved anyways, but I just wanna see him again. :(

new cellphone number

605-430-8658 yeah you better save that shit and text me your number! or message. whatever

i know
she left me roses by the staires.

SURPRISES LET ME KNOW SHE CARES

__IF YOU PREACH TO ME HOW TO BETTER MY LIFE
BUT DO IT IN A REALLY MEAN WAY LIKE CALL ME A WASTE OR MAKING FUN
OF HOW I CRAVE PAIN PILLS AND TO SHAPE UP BECAUSE
I DON'T HAVE TO BE A WHITE TRASH STORY.
OR SAY HOW IF YOU WERE MY THERAPIST YOU WOULD GIVE UP ON ME
BECAUSE I'LL NEVER CHANGE.
THIS DOES NOT MOTIVATE ME TO CHANGE.
IT MOTIVATES ME TO KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PRICKS, FIX AT YOURSELVES BEFORE YOU LOOK DOWN ON ME.
I know you are trying to be "friends" but I know the truth, you don't have to be assholes about it.
I AM NOT STUPID.

 THANK YOU.

with that out of the way.


I go back to job shop ooh! and.. I have to dress up for a job interview.. on monday! ~~CROSSES FINGERS.
I hope I actually go through with it this time. well I think I will because I actually have goals to work up to.
like...

1. CLOTHES YAY never get enough clothes.
2. getting a car
3. moving the hell out.

and for some reason buying furniture and thinking about how I can decorate my house excites me
more than a rich kid on Christmas morning.
ewwww dumb analogy, but you get what I mean.

__Ok, so I hate paypal heres why,
I got an account and they keep taking money out of my fucking bank account
like... 30 bucks OR MORE EVERY MONTH?
MONEY I NEED TO PAY BILLS/PAY PEOPLE BACK. WHAT THE FUCK?
and I don't know how to cancel my paypal account because
I forgot the password and when I go to  the forget password option they make
me call the hotline, so I do that and.. they say
enter your phone number but I forget the phone number I used to sign up to pay pal with and ITS FRUSTRATING
AS FUCK UGH UGH UGH SLAMS HEAD AGAINST THE COMPUTER.

I am not going to turn this day into a frustrating one but GOD DAMN.
I cannot stand people lately.
i don't want to become a hermit but people are inspiring me to.

__ moving along.. MY ex ex ex  friend blue who apparently hated my guts
for more than a year keeps texting me to hang out and
I don't know if thats something I wanna take up on because hes bff
with practically everyone in Rapid that hates me so I think that would be a bad life choice
to even go down that road. so . no.

__ ughh.. soul asylum - runaway train is probably one of the best songs Ive heard in a long time.
you all need to recon amazingness for what it is.

__I JUST GOT DONE DOWNLOADING A ISHH LOAD OF GAME BOY ADVANCE ROMS FOR MY COMPUTER SO IM GOING TO GO ON A DATE WITH PLAYIN THEM FOR A FEW.. PEACE!

__oh yeah hey, stop telling me you like me and wanna make things work and not make any time for me.
dumbass



/vent

p.s. I use the ___ to show you were I subject hop because apparently
I can subject hop at least 7 topics in a span of 5 minutes and my train of thought
is very hard to follow..so I'm just letting you know HOW keep up with me.
I'll probably get annoyed with it by the next entry. anyways ily bye.

NO ONE EVER LIKES V8 AND IT GENUINELY UPSETS ME.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD TODAY.
the youth of America is obviously defunct. :| :| >:|



Need that BEAT: hi
chineseporcupine: wats good
Need that BEAT: ITS ME TIA
chineseporcupine: hey nice name i figured u were BLACK guy lol
chineseporcupine: thats was gonnabe like can i fuck ur butt

wow i love the impression my new aim screen name gives off...

i'm done caring. no seriously